Guide To Modern Living
For The Politically Incorrect


Words should only mean what you want them to at the time you read them, because your feelings might be upset when you are exposed to ideas you do not like, and as words are artificial social constructs then everything they describe is fiction, therefore a story or narrative, to be interpreted as you see fit. Also, anything written in the past is necessarily historic, thus it cannot be applied to the present; just because π was measured as 3.14159… then, doesn’t mean it has the same value now, and as the speed of light c has been determined as faster than anything else, thus elevating it to a position of privilege (yes, really “What seems to me to indicate the sexed nature of the equation is not directly its uses by nuclear weapons, rather it is having privileged what goes the fastest.” [Luce Irigaray, Sujet De Le Science, Sujet Sexué?, 1987]).

48%

ACPO

Aberrant Copper’s Private Organisation

A private group of senior police who are completely unaccountable to anyone, least of all those who pay their wages and for whom they are theoretically working.

Adorable

Image of a baby dog, or a child, reporting behaviour that is indistinguishable between the two.

Adversary

The hoi-polloi general population and everyone else who should know their place. Anyone who isn’t a member of the security services.

Air Conditioning

Freezing cold draught blowing across a room (or falling from the ceiling in a column or wall of chill), causing aching muscles and splitting headaches.

Alternative (to) Medicine

Something other than Medicine; except for Homeopathy, where there is no active ingredient at all.

Anaesthetic

Cold water, but only if you’re very lucky (1).

Anarchist

Someone who does not instantly obey a law or the police simply because they exist, but asks questions in an obvious attempt to undermine authority and challenge the government.

Aphrodisiac

Placebo taken by ignorant gullible morons, consisting of horns, nails, skin, and other body-parts from nearly extinct animals, the potency of which is somehow (though never explained in any rational manner) linked to its scarcity. Criticism of such ancient and honourable cultural practices is, of course, racist.

Apology

Meaningless platitude made by those who had no direct involvement with any historical wrongdoing, addressed to those who were not personally affected, but who nevertheless claim the status of victim.

Arab Spring

Muslim Winter.

Athlete

Mobile advertising platform whose hobby is often paid for by other people’s taxes.

Axe

Ask.

Balcony

Windows with railings outside.

Barbeque

Chemical warfare waged on everyone up to 1km downwind; best done during the hot evenings when most people have to leave their windows open. Stench of burning meat is optional.

Bathroom (sic)

Broom cupboard with shower stall.

Booty

Fat arse.

BT Webtop

System to cripple basic Windows functionality such as (gasp!) being able to reorder the Start Menu folders.

Means of turning knowledgeable PC users into script monkeys by converting their PC from a fairly open platform (in the non-x sense) into a locked-down dumb terminal where they are unable to install or configure the software required for their job.

Busker

Beggar who expects payment for making a lot of noise.

Bus Stop

Parking space for toffs and taxis, and alighting point for private coaches.

Camera

Instrument of sedition used by those who would destroy the very fabric of society. Police are always on the lookout for individuals such as tourists (1) and amateur photographers (2|3|4) carrying these devices, especially those which are obviously expensive, as photographers are soft targets, and easily found (5) even after the Police have themselves issued very specific guidance (6). Anyone caught pointing one of these instruments at a child is obviously a paedophile.

CCTV

Necessary instrument of state surveillance, used to maintain public order and solve crimes. With a success rate of approximately 1:1,000 (1) for the 1,000,000 cctv cameras in London alone (which cost a mere £500,000,000 of your generously-donated money), that’s an overall value of £500,000 per crime! Just think what we could accomplish together if we had even more cctv. Nanny may be watching you, but nanny knows best!

Child

Offensive term for ‘young person’.

Someone who demands entitlement to all the rights of an adult but refuses any of the attendant responsibilities (not that many adults want them either).

Someone whose every demand must be met and whose every utterance is to be accepted as absolute truth, especially when through no fault of their own they speak of filled-in underground tunnels hiding devil-worshipping baby-killers, which imagery has been introduced by religious fanatics who are so self-deluded they actually believe what they’re saying.

An unfortunate but necessary by-product to enable poncing money from taxpayers by claiming benefits.

Child Genius

Able to count up to 20.

City

A “blink and you’ll miss it” collection of houses with a local shop/garage situated between the ‘city limits’ (with posts and prayers to keep the devil at bay) which in other parts of the world wouldn’t even warrant the title of ‘village’.

Cinema

Place of collective assembly where fans pay to watch advertisements and product-placements whilst chatting to one another, crunching popcorn, stinking out the place with the stench of warm grease-laden cardboard holding a soggy burger, slurp milkshake, and occasionally repeat lines of dialogue to amuse their friends. Advocates claim this social experience is enjoyable.

Clitoris

Unnecessary piece of flesh to be cut off down to the bone (1); removal is sometimes aided by the use of an anaesthetic.

Coloured

Offensive term for person of colour; unless, of course, they’re a member of the NAACP.

Common Sense

Assuming that you are the centre of the universe and that everyone else knows this.

Whilst riding your bicycle along the pavement at a speed that might break ribs should the handlebars collide with a pedestrian, someone refuses to get out of your way. It’s ‘common sense’ they knew you were just approaching the front gate of your home otherwise why would you have been there?

Whilst visiting the corner shop for some booze to go with the drugs you’re taking, it’s ‘common sense’ to expect a neighbour to know you’ve placed a piece of card in the door to prevent the lock from engaging (the card having fallen unseen to the ground on the other side of the door as the neighbour left the premises), as you don’t have any keys and tend to kick down the front door to your own flat when you lock yourself out or your step-brothers inside don’t bother opening the door or just pretend they’re not in.

Compromise

Appeasement.

Confirmed

Invented for political gain. (1) #BlackLiesMatter (He also lied about someone trying to run him over, as video evidence clearly shows him walking into the front of a car which had already backed up to get out of the way.)

Constant

Variable.

Corgi

A trade organisation that’s virtually indistinguishable from a protection racket, geared solely to guaranteeing its own existence and the employment of its contractors. This is achieved by demanding safety checks twice a year (when in the past it was only every 5-10 years), even though they claim it’s only once, but they managed a nice little earner by doing it through the landlord and the gas supplier, so they get twice the income. Only people who join their gang association can work for them.

CPS

Copper’s Protection Service

An independent body which has successfully managed to prevent any serving police officer from being charged with manslaughter whilst on duty.

Cultural Revolution

Civil War.

Dar al-Islam

The land of Islam, therefore the land of peace, for how else would the self-styled ‘religion of peace’ behave?

Unless, of couse, you’re a Sunni in a Shiite area, a Shiite in a Sunni region, a Sufi in either; and God (not Allah) help you if you’re a Christian or a Jew or a Hindu or a kaffir or a Muslim who doesn’t agree with every single word of his so-called ‘holy’ book. Or a woman who wishes to learn or drive or do things for herself or just go out without being considered both a lascivious temptress (oh, those poor poor men, such victims they are) and a prostitute who should welcome all the attention; or you’re gay, or want to listen to some music, or enjoy some wine or other alcoholic beverage without becoming drunk (because it is possible). Can’t you just feel how perfectly peaceful it all is as you listen to the screams of people having their hands and feet chopped of or being thrown from the tops of tall buildings or set alight in cages?

Deathly Silence

Laughter & applause (1|2|3) as interpreted by a lying Feminist who doesn’t listen to what is said or the manner is which it is said, and who doesn’t understand self-deprecating humour, whilst sitting with an audience who do recognise it in another language. #BlackLiesMatter

Debate

A barely literate non-stop stream of verbiage spouted by someone who cannot speak properly and keeps gasping “Ah-ah-ah,” as if they needed an oxygen mask; instant interruption of any attempted rebuttal is mandatory, as the only thing which counts in the ‘debate’ is to talk as quickly as possible rather than make any valid points and so win the ‘word-salad of the year award’.

Deprived

Having to decide on either a PS3 or an XBox as well as the Wii.

Someone who’s over-bred to overfill their existing free home and demands to spread to the adjacent property “for the sake of the children”.

Disempowered

Armed to the teeth with guns, explosives, suicide belts, missiles & launchers, and even tanks; being disempowered means such people are able to excuse using their weapons on others who draw cartoons.

Disenfranchised

Having mainstream press forever print apologetics from believers who demand ever more special attention and understanding of how much they are a victim of everyone else’s dislike of deliberate policies to keep themselves isolated from the same society they wish to turn into the same quagmire many of them left, and in which they claim to have been persecuted (or perhaps like the Christians who went to America, were not allowed to persecute others).

Diversity

Submission to foreign ideology which brings nothing and demands everything.

DNA

Proof someone committed a crime.

Biggest single saving of police time as they no longer have to waste effort investigating crimes, simply scour the scene for DNA evidence and match it to known samples in their ever-growing database.

Dog

External canine extension of their owner’s personality, allowing all kinds of otherwise obnoxious behaviour including but not limited to: pooing on the public pavement; peeing all over the front of other people’s homes; being ‘friendly’ by chasing someone along the street and then blaming them for the subsequent attack as they should have known “he was only playing” instead of biting their legs and arms or chewing off their face. An owner of such an animal, having trained it to growl at strangers, can only be a victim and so has every right to complain when other people cross the road to avoid a potential attack (1).

Drama

Soap-opera with acting.

Dust Extracted

A system whereby dust is extracted from hay, straw, wood shavings, etc., prior to the produce being bagged, before the dust is then reintroduced so that when the bag is opened great plumes of dust pour out and cause the owner to gasp and the pets to sneeze.

Early Adopter

Someone who pays to be a beta tester.

Efficiency

Changing from 6 postal collections, 3 deliveries per day (which could be timed to the nearest 10 minutes), a postie who asks for a signature on an item they have brought, and 1st class post delivered anywhere in the country the following day, to 3 collections, 1 delivery (any random time), a note through the letterbox because the postie refused to bring the parcel you were staying in for, and 1st class post taking 3 days to get from one side of a city to the other.

Failure

Anyone who isn’t a self-made millionaire by 20.

Family Friendly

Over-run with uncontrollable screaming brats who ruin everyone else’s holiday.

Fascist

Firefighters and everyone to the right of Marx (“… centrists, and anyone who gets in the way of equality, like police officers and firefighters”).

Father

For most, a man who wants a loving relationship with the child he helps create; for some, a man whose involvement with his child ends during ejaculation (coz, you know, “real men” don’t use contraceptives and anyway it’s all the slag’s fault and all women are whores).

Feminist

Someone who screams and claims the status of victim when shown an idealised image of a young attractive women wearing a bikini, but who refuses to condemn FGM and other atrocities because of cultural relativism and the fear they might be thought of as racist.

Someone who blames the Patriarchal Hegemony for the fact that having watched the Twilight films to get a degree in Media Studies, they aren't taken seriously, compared to another degree obtained by someone else working in STEM fields (in the real world: Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics; at a University: Safe-space, Trigger-warning, Echo-chamber, Mob-mentality).

Financial Times

Newspaper in sections, one of which is to be read and taken to work, the others to be thrown on the floor of train carriages as a sign of the contempt city suits have for everyone else.

Free

Paid for with everyone else’s taxes.

Friend

Someone whose social website you once visited.

Someone who lives on the other side of the city and “just happened to be in the area” as they arrive 10 minutes before they know you usually sit down for dinner.

God

Supernatural extension of believer’s personality that conveniently agrees with and justifies whatever someone wants to do. Unlike a dog, however, there is no physical evidence of their existence, and although this deity is usually lauded as omnipotent, they are actually completely impotent as it’s always the believers who have to act on their god’s behalf.

Good

Lost in the doldrums between mediocre and poor. Used by people who delude themselves that any service they offer is indeed good, when everyone else knows it is not. (“A good service is operating on all London Underground lines today; the next Circle line train will be in approximately 20 minutes.”)

GM

Generate Money

A system of blackmail instigated by pharmacorps whereby they sell to farmers seeds which have been designed to only work with certain other chemicals (by sheer coincidence, these are manufactured by the same company); seeds are also designed not to propagate so every season needs new purchases rather than the traditional method of planting new crops. Anyone whose fields are accidentally contaminated by a neighbour’s seeds are charged with theft (well, they didn’t buy the seeds, did they?).

Hacker

Someone who uses the Backspace key to truncate a URL and get to the root site.

Harass

Disagree with. If this offends someone then it is oppression.

Hateful

Someone who, having endured over 12 hours of children screaming their heads off, jumping up and down on the wooden floors, stomping up and down the wooden stairs, slamming every door in the flat multiple times and throwing things against the walls, politely enquires of their neighbour when the noise will be stopping, as the time is now 23:00 and they need to get some sleep ready for work the following morning.

Heart Attack

If mentioned in Hollywood, an overdose of prescription medication, otherwise cause of death after having been beaten by the police.

History

A never-ending list of capitalist hegemonies and genocide of indigenous populations by thin non-black patriarchal hierarchies bent on war and environmental destruction. Anyone who points out that the word-play of ‘history’ and ‘his story’ only works in English is of course a misogynist, as everyone with any sense knows that if fat gay black women had their way the world would be one big happy family full of skipping bunnies and fluttering butterflies.

Holocaust

Trademark term regarding Nazi Germany’s systematic imprisonment and slaughter of Jews during WWII; all others (e.g., homosexuals, gypsies, negroes) caught up in the same ethnic cleansing were mere goyim and not worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as God’s chosen people. Anyone who says less than 6 million Jews were killed is a Holocaust denier and will be prosecuted by law as historical facts now need protection from analysis.

Honour

Means of ensuring community cohesion by eliminating subversive elements. Critics of this are imperialists guilty of refusing to accept cultural relativism and acknowledging that throwing acid into a woman’s face is a perfectly acceptable method of control, as is cutting off their wife’s head with an axe or stoning them to death, and that internal family matters should be dealt with by the family, where fun days are spent in shooting, stabbing, strangling, slitting the throat of, or burying alive any offending offspring. Having daughters is often convenient (assuming they are even born), as they can be offered up to be raped, thus restoring the ‘honour’ (1), before they are then killed for being sullied and thus bringing dishonour to the family.

Ignorant

Someone who objects to gagging on the stench of urine because the drug-addicted tenant in the ground-floor flat of the local half-way house uses the front of the property as a lavatory for their pair of status dogs who try and attack everyone who passes outside their gate.

IHRC

Islam Hates Ridicule & Criticism

The oxymoronic (and just plain moronic) Islamic Human Rights Commission. A group of professional whiners who give awards for Islamophobia to people murdered by those acting for ‘The Religion Of Peace’ (1). Living recipients accept the awards with laughter and even pride.

Illicit Relations

Talking.

Improve

Remain the same, as, with no improvement, things would actually get worse.

Independent

Individual or group set up on behalf of those people or groups being investigated, to exonerate them of all blame. Examples include the IPCC, financial investigatory bodies, and anything relating to company misdemeanours.

Innocent

One or more Muslims who are killed during the jihad of another Muslim (1).

Obsolete concept maintained by those who refuse to acknowledge that anyone is capable of committing a crime, hence the need for the police to store everyone’s DNA at birth, because everyone is potentially guilty.

Insult

Refuse to pander to rampant misogyny (1).

Islamophobe

Kaffir who does not wish to live under sharia, and who wants to arrive at work without being blown up.

Anyone who refuses to cover the work of, and feel the utmost sympathy for, a fellow employee who, knowing full well the consequences, doesn’t eat for 15 hours and in temperatures of 30°C refuses to drink any water, thus making themselves so weak and faint they need to leave their desk 2-3 times per day, for up to an hour at a time (in addition to the normal breaks they take for placating the wrath of their petulant & insecure invisible friend who originally demanded to be worshipped 50 times a day rather than a mere 5), notwithstanding the fact they are so tired from lack of sleep and late-night binging they are barely capable of working at all.

Someone murdered by a Muslim (1).

Justice

Revenge for perceived (and sometimes even actual) injustice, best taken against those not responsible for the original events, and everyone who is deemed richer than the rioters (sorry, protesters).

Lawyer

Member of elite role-playing game in which turns are taken at being the attacker or defender; the only consideration is in gaining experience, as presumed guilt or innocence and their effects on those deemed to be perpetrators or victims (sometimes the same person) is a secondary consideration to following the rules of the game (laws).

Liberal

Gun-owner who would only use the weapon for self-defence rather than hunting animals for sport instead of food (assault rifles, night-scopes, and helicopters are optional). A liberal who does not own a gun is a socialist.

Literally

Figuratively.

Lobbying

Legal means by which a local attempt at democracy is circumvented by bribing elected officials to represent private companies and other vested interests rather than the people who voted them into office.

Make Good

Painter’s & Decorator’s term for “That’ll do”. Splashing some diluted ‘trade white’ paint on top of some ‘trade white’ filler or sealant.

Mandatory Attendance

Demand made by internal corporate shill to gain captive audience for their propaganda pep-talk about how much the company “appreciates” their “valued” workforce. Also mandatory are pathetic acronyms such as WAY (We Appreciate You) or DIN (Delivering Investment Now).

Metropolitan Elite

Someone who lives in a city and isn’t on the dole.

Militant Homosexual

Gay person who has the audacity to not want to be beaten up or killed when s/he walks along the pavement, shops, works, or shows affection to their partner.

Minute

In the real world, a period of time comprising 60 seconds, 1/60th of an hour, whilst for London Transport it is a variable period of time lasting somewhere between 75 and 120 seconds; consecutive minutes are never the same length.

Missing

Photographed at known locations on their way to join a death-cult (1|2|3), having been raised at home by parents who either sympathise with the cult’s objectives (4) or are so deliberately ignorant of their offspring’s behaviour that they then blame the police for not keeping an eye on them, thus negating the entire point of being a parent in the first place. Naturally, if the police had monitored any potential teenage murderers, the entire community would claim the status of victim.

Moratorium

Call to pander to mob rule or the lowest common denominator, and in so doing refusing to answer a question regarding morality (e.g., “Is it right to stone women for adultery?”) by framing it in terms of relatavism, and waiting for someone else to make a ruling before deciding what to do.

Multifaith

Offensive to Muslims (1|2).

Multitask

Divert attention from one thing to another and do them both so badly they need redoing by someone else who has to meet the original time-scales and receives no credit.

Multiculturalism

Importing and accepting without any criticism all the foibles and wonderfully varied lifestyles of other people, including but not limited to: rampant misogyny, anti-semitism, homophobia, demands that the host nations adapt to their ways rather than accepting they might have to adapt to their hosts’, not bothering to learn the native language and expecting official documents to be translated, etc..

Mumsnet

Pressure-group of breeders who demand the State (and by inference everyone else) prevent their delicate offspring from being exposed to things deemed by them to be harmful, and which can easily be prevented by the parents actually doing their job and monitoring their child’s behaviour by using existing software. Instead of assuming any responsibility, they demand MPs force ISPs to operate net-nanny software which censors (“Oh, but we don’t do that, we only want to filter things.”) advice on STDs, self-harm, drugs, contraception, every other site that’s accidentally caught by the rules (such as Australian dentists) and then has to prove its legitimacy, and soon, anything deemed subversive, seditious, ‘offensive’, etc.

Nature Reserve

Abandoned open-cast mine half-filled with stagnant rainwater.

Nazi

Anyone to the right of Stalin (cf. Socialist).

NEET

Not Educated, Employable, or Trainable.

New Improved Recipe

A failed attempt at making the product with cheaper ingredients. We know you won’t like it, but as we have no intention of returning to the original, that’s just too bad.

NSA

Not Secure Anymore

An organisation that cripples software to make it vulnerable to attack for itself, and waters down international security and encryption standards so it can spy on people’s communications (for their own wellbeing, of course, not to mention the children), and who are too stupid or uncaring that in making it easy for them to access the data, the people they are allegedly protecting against can do so as well.

NUS

Never Underestimate Stupidity

A group of people attending university who feel unable to criticise murdering homophobic misogynyistic child rapists such as ISIS (not to be confused with the pre-Marian mother-figure Egyptian Goddess), lest they been deemed racist and Islamophobic.

O.I.C.

Outlawing Islamic Criticism

A concerted effort by certain countries to prevent any examination or critique of their religion; or, far worse, outright mockery of their belief in magical beings and events (does this count?). Anyone who dares to criticise Islam is of course an Islamophobe and a racist.

Offence

Knee-jerk reaction of aggression made by those unable to think, speak, or otherwise respond in a rational manner when countering an analysis or critique of a deeply-held belief, which is itself deemed sacrosanct because… because it is, and you’re a bigot for even mentioning it! Probably a racist too! This is the natural state of a victim, or someone who feels persecuted.

Olympics

Bottomless pit of public money used to feed corporate advertising campaigns and TV broadcasting rights to programs which show athletes wearing corporate logos who compete to hold a cup with an advertiser’s name on it.

Bread and circuses… without the bread.

Oppress

Present facts to counter an erroneous or invalid argument.

Organic

Over-priced con-job designed to go rotten after a couple of days so you have to buy 2-3 times as much and waste even more time shopping.

Paediatrician

What News Of The World readers ‘think’ a paedophile is (1|2), as the first 4 letters are the same, and it’s a very long word. Psst! Did you see those pictures of Emma Watson in the first couple of Harry Potter films? wasn’t she just adorable? But in a non-paedophile way, obviously.

Paedophile

Anyone who looks at a child for more than half a second, even accidentally, as there will always be an underlying motive, and we’ll find it, oh yes we will, even if we have to invent it (but think of the children!).

Any parent who uses a camera to photograph their children wearing anything other than a burqa, and even then we have our suspicions (and we’re never wrong!).

Parent

People who willingly cry racist! at anyone who mighty interfere with how they indoctrinate their children, but demand compensation from the authorities when their children go missing, because it’s always everyone else’s fault, never that of the parents.

PCSO

Public Can Sod Off

Uppity little martinet with delusions of adequacy, this strutting manqué (actually a pitiful loser) dreams of being in the real police but has to contend with venting their frustration on hapless passers-by, all the while complaining of being under-appreciated and how their best efforts continually go unrewarded, thus consoling themselves with “helping to make a safer and better society”. Their utter lack of interest in anything other than throwing their weight around can manifest as saying “You’re filming for fun? I don’t believe you” (1) and showing even more interest in cameras.

Pedestrian

Slow-moving hindrance to cyclists as they race along the pavement.

Persecute

Prevent from imposing bronze-age mythology and ideas of morality on non-believers.

Personalisation

Having the ability to select from one of 20 preset and uneditable colours, half of which are so bright and garish they would only be of use to a 10-year-old, which can only be applied everywhere rather than assigning colours based on approximate function, and where the transition type and timing is locked down (just like the snooze time).

PFI

Preventing Future Investment

A means of ensuring the cost of services is passed on to future generations, who then pay many times what it would have costed now, but doing so keeps expenditure off the current balance-books, which is all that matters so people can be seen to be ‘saving’ money and giving themselves a bonus as reward.

Pig

Squat mammal made to live in squalor, which when killed produces very tasty meat. Often slighted by being compared to the police.

Police

State-sponsored para-military thugs, able and willing to get away with murder (preferably members of the public, otherwise their own attack dogs who are left to dehydrate in the back of vans and then mourned with more ceremony than a minor Royal). Part of a tightly-knit group, members of this community always destroy evidence of their frequent transgressions and have even set up an official body (Institute for the Protection of Corrupt Cops) to ensure they are so rarely prosecuted no one remembers when the last time was. Senior members join a select group which, being private, are completely unaccountable to anyone, least of all those who pay their wages and to whom they are theoretically working. If applicants manage to fail the almost non-existent criteria for entry, then they can still become a PCSO. They love to arrest random people, unlawfully demand locals and tourists delete images from their camera, stand around laughing and joking while people die in front of them (1), and blame imaginary impersonators for murder whilst protecting the true culprits (2|3) via an ‘independent’ enquiry. Higher ranking members write columns in daily newspapers to demonstrate how utterly out of touch they are with public opinion, and publish books which amount to nothing more than a continuous bleating of “I said then I was right and I say now I was right; everyone who disagress with me is wrong”. An aerial unit (yes, pigs can fly!) also exists to travel by helicopter straight to West London in the middle of the night and spend up to 4 hours hovering above people’s homes to keep them awake (best done during the summer when most people have their windows open), whilst on-board night-vision and IR cameras record every detail of what goes on.

Political Correctness

Intellectual bankruptcy. A system that gladly accepts and even idolises misogynists, homophobes, theocrats, slavers, rapists, and murderers, for they are merely victims of the unColoured Cis-Gendered Hetero-Normative Capitalist Patriarchal Hegemony and so need not take any responsibility for their own actions; neither should they be judged by anyone else’s standards as such outlooks emanate from a position of privilege and undermine the entire point of cultural relativism. (1)

PPP

Publicly-funded Private Profit

A wonderful wheeze whereby taxes are used to prop up failing private companies, whose profits are then given to a few CEOs rather than returned to the original ‘lender’.

Privacy

Anti-societal attitude perpetuated by those who mistakenly believe the state does not know best and therefore should not look after them, and maintained by those who do shameful things that ought to be exposed for all to see. What do you have to hide, eh? If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear! Think of the neighbours, think of the children!

Project Manager

Someone who, having given people work without determining if it’s possible at all, let alone in the promised time-scales, takes credit for their success, and blames them when they do not meet his demands. When not spending all day shouting into a phone and disturbing the people who are supposed to be doing the work, they congratulate themselves on how good they are at managing people, and give themselves meaningless titles such as ‘facilitator’. Their most characteristic trait is the inability to comprehend or sometimes even hear the word “no”.

Queue

Outdated hierarchical structure based on seniority (first come, first served), which directly contradicts the maxim that everyone is equal and should have the same chance as everyone else, especially those prone to violence or excessive size.

Quick Start Guide

  1. Plug In.
  2. Switch On.

Racist

Everyone who has paler skin than you (unless you are African in which case it’s perfectly acceptable to carry on trading in the people of other tribes as has happened for centuries, because as everyone knows black people cannot be racist).

Anyone who believes employees should be assigned jobs or promotions based on their experience and knowledge (which they gained by learning and working) rather than their appearance (which was assigned to them prior to birth and was beyond their control).

Anyone who denounces Stolen Legacy and its ilk as bathetic pseudo-historical revisionist rubbish (1).

Anyone who doesn’t believe in astrology (2).

Pretty much anyone you disagree with. (3)

Someone who eats regular meals (4).

Ramadan

A time for all true believers to claim more special dispensation and demand all the filthy infidels spend an entire month doing other people’s work, because they (the faithful followers of GOD-OS v3.0) are too exhausted from deliberately starving and dehydrating themselves during the often hot days and tired from lack of sleep at night and bloated from all the binging that they truly deserve to be treated with respect. Also the best time for the truly faithful to kill all the other ‘wrong’ Muslims, and smash statues that tempt the weak and impressionable to worship them instead of simply appreciating the artwork.

Rape

A man’s natural reaction to seeing any uncovered female flesh; after friends have revealed what lies beneath covered female flesh; or after wondering what lies beneath covered female flesh.

An admission of adultery, to which the only possible reaction is death, as it is of course the woman’s fault the men (the true victims) were driven to such acts, for how could they be expected to control themselves in the fact of such provocation? My god, those eyes! The temptation!

The only possible way to determine whether or not your 5-year-old daughter is a virgin (after all, she could be married next year); it also helps if you break an arm and her spine, and crush her skull. (1|2)

A couple of lads out for a fun night on the town, who admitted that what they did was normal behaviour when they stated they didn’t know it was wrong. (3)

A perfectly natural response to seeing a women you fancy and so want to ‘take’. (4)

Recovered Memory

Implanted fantasy.

Recursion

See recursion.

Referendum

Opinion poll.

Religion

A codified system of behaviour which claims divine authorship and ultimate truth, but whines like a spoilt brat and claims the status of victim whenever one of their demonstrably false beliefs is exposed, or their prejudicial behaviour challenged. By default, all religions are in a permanent state of being persecuted for not being allowed to impose their primitive laws upon everyone else, though they naturally cherry-pick the ones they want to live by (Homosexuality bad, clothing of mixed fibres good!).

Respect

Something demanded by those who have done nothing to earn it, and/or whose deeply-held beliefs or delusions of superiority have been challenged by a question or anything else perceived as a threat. Applies equally to gangs, religious fanatics, government ministers, corporate executives, and the police; synonymous with fear.

Retarded

Offensive term for mewling simpleton.

Safe Space

Nursery with pillows & blankets, colouring books, and bubbles. (1).

Seat

Low bench on public transport covered in fabric, used for wiping the soles of shoes.

Shame

Something felt by the families of sex-gang members, the only way to remove this feeling is to murder the victim (1|2), knowing the local services have ignored all the danger signs.

Smoker

Drug user whose breath, skin, and clothing reeks of their addiction, but whilst they could stop if they chose to, somehow it’s never the right time.

Snob

Someone who knows the alphabet and can write with the funny shapes (oh, I know this, they’re called letters, right?) joined up.

Socialist

Anyone to the left of Hitler (cf. Nazi).

Spices

Something used to overload the taste-buds and disguise food which is either tasteless or going rotten.

Squatter

Thief who not only steals a home and its contents, but moves into the property and changes the locks so when the true owners return from holiday they cannot get in.

Subsidy

Endless amount of public money given to a private company to keep it in business, or to pay a bribe when they threaten to withdraw their services. The managers of such companies are naturally opposed to nationalisation, which they denounce as an utter waste of public money being given to keep companies in business.

Summer

Advocates of summer claim it is meant to be enjoyable.

Terrorist

Traveller

Gypsy who owns property in one country, lives in a mobile home located on someone else’s land in another country (which is now a rubbish tip), and remains in a one place. De facto victim.

Trigger Warning

A warning for people at University that they are going to be exposed to things that do not align with their preconceived and therefore inviolable ideas. Some of them are so sensitive that even using the phrase “Trigger Warning” causes a panic attack and instant retreat into the womb of comfortable isolation, so other even more vacuous phrases are used.

TSA

Territorial Sexual Assault

A method of keeping out unwanted foreigners from god’s own country; also useful for putting uppity locals in their place by using psychopaths to digitally probe pre-pubescent girls as well as adult women. People who do not submit to this invasive procedure are automatically deemed unpatriotic and thus a terrorist.

Union

Group of people who, having supported one government’s spending of money it didn’t have, blames the current government for making spending cuts.

University

Originally, a place for people to go and learn new things in a diverse environment, and have preconceived ideas challenged and overturned by new knowledge in an open discourse. Now, somewhere to feel cosseted, and have existing dogma reinforced in segregated classes ruled by political correctness and theocratic dictatorship. (1)

Vegan

Someone who would rather see the oceans and earth destroyed by oil-drilling platforms, petro-chemical processing plants, and thousands of miles of pipelines, as a necessary process of creating plastics to make their clothing etc., rather than wear naturally occurring products such as wool or cotton or wood.

Victim

Someone who takes offence after their demands that everyone else fit into their way of behaviour is rebuffed; reactions are invariably hostile towards people of the same gender showing affection or enjoying sex (which is none of their business anyway), images of people whose appearance is not known (just because they don’t want to create images gives them no right to prevent others from doing so), worshipping the ‘wrong’ deity (with so many to choose form, only theirs is the right one, naturally), and refusing to accept other people have differing viewpoints (but theirs was given by their one true god, so that’s all the justification they need).

Someone who refuses to accept any responsibility for their own decisions and actions, and instead blames everyone else for their predicament. (“It’s society’s fault I was so stupid to believe the advertising, wah, wah!”)

Vigil

Rioting racist rent-a-mob who block roads, set fire to other people’s cars, and destroy local shops and sometimes even their homes, then accuse everyone else of being racist when no one invests in their area.

Walk-in Wardrobe

Broom cupboard with hooks on the walls.

Weep

Something done by members of sex gangs in a failed attempt to elicit sympathy once they have been caught and are being sentenced (1|2).

Woman

Superfluous lump of flesh surrounding a vagina.

Incubator for child, whose health always over-rides that of the host.

Work

Something done by those who can or need (or even want) to, to support those who won’t or can’t be bothered to. But they’re ‘entitled’, so that’s all right then.

World

Tract of land situated between Canada & Mexico; anything else beyond this is irrelevant as only locals are allowed to play in the ‘World Series’, except when Hollywood or the U.S. government needs someone to blame for their own misfortunes or those created by companies who are majority-owned by them.


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